Jokes to share

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Jokes to share

Post by Lali on Sat Aug 23, 2008 2:45 pm

Hillbilly divorce

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere’.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants one of them dayvorces.'
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Tina Head Lady on Sun Aug 24, 2008 2:41 am

lol....how frustrated would the lawyer be.....he he he....ta lali..good joke to waker up to....
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by lizzyc on Sun Aug 24, 2008 5:12 pm

just heard on the news the police have found a woman murdered in her bath.. she was covered in cornflakes and the bath was half full of milk..


the police have confirmed they are looking for a cereal killer..
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by scrappinjo on Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:22 am

good one lizzy...LOL!
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by lizzyc on Fri Aug 29, 2008 5:21 pm

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Lali on Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:59 am

PMSL good one
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The next Survivor series.......

Post by Tina Head Lady on Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:02 am

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the A & E.

He must also
make biscuits or cakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 8:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labour,
each child's favourite colour,
middle name,
favourite snack,
favourite song,
favourite drink,
favourite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mum!
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by scrappinjo on Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:07 am

OMG i love that one how funny is that ,if only if that was a real game show
hahaha! cheers
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Kerrilyn on Sat Aug 30, 2008 3:13 pm

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ticked off!

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by lizzyc on Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:03 pm

haha that is hilarious!!
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by scrappinjo on Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:03 pm

kerrilyn, that was a good one PMROTFL cheers
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Tina Head Lady on Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:22 pm

That is sooooo god damn funny LOL...LOL....Poor guy....
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Kerrilyn on Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:27 am

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Tina Head Lady on Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:08 pm

LMAO....THAT i so funny.....giggling my head off and the kids are looking at me all weird....
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by scrappinjo on Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:48 pm

oh! gosh that was a goog one! hehehehehe! Laughing
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by scrappinjo on Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:07 pm

Can you believe she actually did this! Shocked
url=https://servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=8&u=12987532][/url]
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Tina Head Lady on Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:20 am

HA HA HA HA what a legend....lol
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Arby on Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:41 am

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down

shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale.'



He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.



The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.



'Yep,' the Beagle replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'



The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I

wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch

of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'



In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world

leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies

for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any

younger. So, I decided to settle down.



I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some

undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible

dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just

retired.'



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



'Ten dollars,' the guy says.



'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'



'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that stuff ....



'He was in the Navy!'
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by janine23 on Sat Oct 25, 2008 4:41 am

thats gorgeous

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Re: Jokes to share

Post by bumblebee on Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:52 am

I've heard some great jokes in my time, but I never remember them! Laughing
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Arby on Tue Oct 28, 2008 12:51 pm

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Arby on Tue Oct 28, 2008 12:51 pm

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.



The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'



The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'



The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'



The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'



The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'



Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck mate. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'
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Re: Jokes to share

Post by Arby on Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:14 am

An Email from a friend!!

Just for fun!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tyre Store

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
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